What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 17:41
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He knew the spot.
I was scared of men, in general
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So whats the point in blame.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She married twice! .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Do snipers lay on top of tank turrets during combat?
I couldn’t, believe it.
I don,t even have a pension.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
What is your response when someone says "how may I help you"?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Especially a lifetime of it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why do people with trauma easily recognize other people with trauma through eye contact?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One cannot live in the past .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Would this be the day?
All the time i was locked up.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I waited trembling.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I write beautiful poetry .
When she asked me how she looked .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Was to survive, this bastard.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But it wasn’t much.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I think the readers, may guess!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She found it foreign!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We were not on the streets..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My life is so biszare .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We all went to grammer schools
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I could never make a relationship work though!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Who then, do I blame.?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She loved him until the end.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
It was going to be , some day.
And i lived it daily.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I have no regrets .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My family never makes their pension either.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So, i spoilt her more .
But ive been too sick for many years..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She wouldn,t have been !
What did i know ?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Ive learnt so much.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Comes on , in middle age.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She was in good health!
I was seconnd youngest,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im still living with it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I said to her
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But, we were locked up after school.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
This is soul school!.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I will be 64.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was 9 years of age.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Put me off passion for life!!